I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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