So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
