how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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