Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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