Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
