omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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