I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
