My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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