Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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