if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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