Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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