I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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