the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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