We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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