I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
