i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
