At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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