no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
