So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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