just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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