The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
