so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
