i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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