I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
