do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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