i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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