The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
