I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
