; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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