I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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