I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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