The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
