I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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