The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
