i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
