just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
