i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm too high and old for this...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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