My Higher Power is John Stamos
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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