i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
