I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
