If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
