life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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