In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
