Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
