Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
