The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
