Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
