dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
