im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
