We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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