Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
